I've decided the only way I can win is to lick the PM's arse. When he tells me to stop, I'll tell him I've only just started. When he says it hurts, I'll say he better get used to it.
I try and I try to be an arse-licker like he is but I just can't pull it off. I think that's why I'm going to lose. I thought it would be easy - just lick everyone's arse, at twice the speed of the PM, and eventually they'll come round. I've spent years practicing on the good citizens of Campbelltown.
But it turns out that the more I lick, the more Howard does. I put the boot into towel-heads, he does the same, only better. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
If I lose this election I'm going to get really cranky and hit someone.