I've decided the only way I can win is to lick the PM's arse. When he tells me to stop, I'll tell him I've only just started. When he says it hurts, I'll say he better get used to it.
I try and I try to be an arse-licker like he is but I just can't pull it off. I think that's why I'm going to lose. I thought it would be easy - just lick everyone's arse, at twice the speed of the PM, and eventually they'll come round. I've spent years practicing on the good citizens of Campbelltown.
But it turns out that the more I lick, the more Howard does. I put the boot into towel-heads, he does the same, only better. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
If I lose this election I'm going to get really cranky and hit someone.
There's an old Australian ballad that called "When Johnny Howard Licks Your Arse"
Goes something like this:
"When Johnny Howard licks your arse,
You know your arse bin licked
He licks it 'till the cows come home
He uses plenty of spit
And so on.
Dear Slackers, No-hopers and assorted suck-holes,
The thing that shits me about the Australian Labor Party is that they won't just let me be myself. If they did, I'd really take it up to the arse-licking incumbent.
Firstly, I'd promise to shoot all asylum-seekers. You've got to be tough with these people. They're not real Australians, after all.
That'd do for starters. That arse-licker Paul Kelly in the Australian would be falling over himself to lick my arse. Well, he is already - and it doesn't feel too bad, let me tell you.
Those no-hoper back-benchers who voted for me in December really crack me up. What did they expect - someone soft and cuddly? Then they should have voted for Kim.
You know, I always had a lot of time for Pauline Hanson. Well, her economics was pretty awful, but she said some good things about other stuff.
Just between you and me, I quite like Johnny Howard. He's got it about right, I reckon. You put in the economic fixes, then deal with the poor schmucks who get screwed by blaming someone of colour. It's good stuff, and you can expect more of it once I'm in.
Bye for now, losers.
Listen Sport: There's two types of people in the world - workers and slackers. Anyone who doesn't make it to the top is among the latter. They can get fxxd.
I am a deep thinker, yes.
BTW: I was only joking when I said I'd make Simon Treasury Spokesman, but the f'kn arse-lickers took me seriously. Now we're stuck with him. I've learned a valuable lesson: humour and politics don't mix.
Now f.. off.
Hullo ... Arse-lickers! (of course)
Vote for me or I'll rip yer bloody arms off.